Alexa Rodríguez

Email: nvgargola69@aol.com
My Space: http://www.myspace.com/illbelovinguforever

The funny thing about inspiration is we frantically look for it in order to perform a simple task. We need to feel inspired to love. We feel the need to feel inspired to live. For me inspiration comes from the simplest places. A kiss. A touch. Her smile. I have been blessed and cursed with many different things in my life. I come from a not so small town in Puerto Rico. Although too many people it was the country, there was signal on the cell phones, so that counts. My house as I remember it was like my castle. I was so small and it was so big I could literally run from one side to the other and it took like 3 minutes. Which I did often. The pool was where I would exercise most of my imagination. Anything that my mind would come up with to take me to another place outside of reality, I would run with.

It's been a long time since that pool. Since me and Baimey had a talking firefly friend. But you know it's funny, things were so simple. No matter how much noise, screams or cries were going on inside, we always seemed to be somewhere else. The first time I picked up a pen and wrote down everything, I felt was the most accelerating moment of my life. It was like I had discovered a door. An exit. My escape. I wrote and wrote. Three pages later I felt lighter and in a weird way, in peace.

I'm now on a journey to find who I truly am. No rush. I learned that the hard way. I write from my experiences. From my pain, my happiness and my ideas that to me only make sense on paper. Although many people have come and gone from my life I am thankful for each and everyone. They all played a part in my life. Some more than others. Some have left scars, some from which I may never recover from, but in time hopefully turn them into words of wisdom.

I don't have many desires. I am in a content state right now as far as my life goes. Thanks to that special someone, who opened my eyes and helped heal my heart, I now fall more and more in love with life as the days go on. It's not how good or bad the day went, but the fact I woke up, saw her eyes, and kept on with my day. Inspiration comes to me, not often but always at the right moment. Whether it be something I'm experiencing or a memory I can not forget. But whenever I find myself lost, or whenever I feel I can't go on as if I'm trapped, I manage to come out the best way I know how. The pen. My exit. My escape.

Judge Me
by Alexa Rodríguez

What do I need to do to make you proud?
What do I need to do to make you feel like that?
Do I need to scream how much I love you out loud?
Do I need to remind you I'm part of you no matter what?

Ok, criticize me for hiding my emotions.
Weren't you there when he beat me for showing them?
I pretended my life was an illusion.
Not controlled by me but by the DEVIL, that’s what I named HIM.

You accept a grown woman’s intimacy problems.
Well, she was raped when she was 5 by her teacher.
Yet you pretend for me to be ok after what I been through?
How will you explain why she won't let anyone touch her?

Tell me, why my heart is numb to pain?
You judge me and only see it your way.
I can hide what I feel but what will I gain?
I tried that long ago, now I can't make the memories go away.

Let me grow up at my own pace.
You say I failed, I'm sorry, but am I dead yet?
Let me figure out how to get out of this maze.
Let me forget and overcome this phase.

Treat me like the worst thing ever.
Tell me you love me one day and hate me for days.
Which one you think my mind will remember?
Those are your ways?

Overrated
By Alexa Rodríguez

I look at myself in the mirror and I have no idea who I've become. I have no idea who I am anymore.

I dont know where I am.

I dont know where I'm going.

She has taken my ability to answer all these questions I once thought I knew the answers to.

Do I have morals?

Do I believe in love?

If so, what are my beliefs of it?

I don't sleep at night.

The past constantly haunts me.

Childhood memories and later in life memories consume me.

I don't know how to make them stop.

Like a child, they torture me.

I want to scream but I don't think anyone would hear me.

If they did, would they care?

Would she care?

Would she come to my rescue?

Do I need to be rescued?

Am I past the line of being able to be helped?

I have no clue.

I feel so numb sometimes.

I'm so scared that I'm never gonna feel again.

What if my heart gets so hurt, so cold, so afraid; that I may never seek happiness again?

What if I can never be me again?

What if I can never give myself to another person ever again,ever?

What if he was right?

What if I'm only running away,always?

What if he is right?

What if everywhere I go I take unhappiness with me?

I've lost myself and this scares me.

I've lost her.

She's gonna loose me.

I might loose them.

All a big circle of lies, deception, love and betrayal.

Life. Overrated.

© 2007 Alexa Rodríguez

Understanding
By Alexa Rodriguez

I can't believe you caused me so much strife

For God's sake you helped give me life

If your intentions, were to hurt

Was it necessary to treat your own daughter like dirt?

Is your heart that cold,

Or did you put your feelings on hold?

I wish the world, I could change

I want to feel the love of a dad close to my heart...

Does that make me strange?

The love of a dad, is what in my heart I miss

Lately there has been a lot of this....

I'm fixing to enter the real world by myself

He didn't help me get there and that sticks out above

anything else

I feel so faithless

Of course I don't show it on the surface

I sometimes put myself in your shoes

And still I can't help feeling used

Towards you I have become numb

As a child I believed your lies and now I feel dumb

I wish I could forgive and forget

But you left a scar in me, so I hope you regret

I wish I could go back and change my sisters' lives, I do!

Even if now they are grown, you hurt them too

I know you may be sick

But your cruelness is too thick

One thing is to hurt a person who has knowledge and already lived, untouched

But a baby of your own, and young girls whose life at the time you crushed

Nah, I hope I give my future kids a better way of life

For them I would take any dive

I guess that's what you could never realize

And don't worry in my mind, you will one day

Begin to deteriorate

© 2007 Alexa Rodríguez

My First Real Regret

There's a feeling of loneliness I can not escape.
There's a feeling of sadness I can not shake.
There's a feeling of betrayal I can not forget.
There's a feeling of... of... well pretty much Regret.

I picture your smile and I can barely swallow.
I think of your body and I feel very shallow.
I think of your touch and my anger turns my stomach.
I think of those words and I wish I could take them back.

I can't help but think how right I thought we were.
I think it's funny now, because it's what you think of her.
I can't help but hear your pleads in my head.
"I not like the others, I will never hurt you", Is what you said.

I can't believe I actually let you in.
You said you did too, you even let me hear you sing.
I gave you more power than I should have, yet,
You will always be my first real regret

The Other

It's like fighting a shadow,
fighting an invincible enemy.
She is so much stronger than me.
She overpowers my life and muffles
All my cries for help.
She won't let me breath.
I feel like I can't be.
She tortures me daily.
She is a constant reminder of the past.
A constant reminder of the pain.
She reminds me of all my failures.
She reminds me how I constantly hurt her.
She reminds me of all those I've hurt.
The pain in her eyes kills me.
She suffocates me.
I don't know how to hide from her.
Every time I run away she shows up.
I've tried all attempts to forever silence her.
But I can't.
And as I look in the mirror back at her...
I know why.

Sinful Memory
by Alexa Rodríguez

If only I could erase your touch from my skin.
If only I could erase your kiss from my lips.
If only the thought of you didn't feel like a sin.
If only I could erase your imprint around my hips.

I feel my heartbeat rising.
It's hard to let go of my emotions.
I can still hear the music from the night we spent dancing.
You were holding me tight, gently and so cautious.

I wish I could let go.
I wish I could just heal.
I wish I didn't feel like so.
I wish I knew how to deal.

It's a feeling of betrayal.
A sense of being surrounded yet lonely.
Going to sleep picturing you in my arms.
Faking a smile when anyone ask.

Letting go of you, I'm determined to do.
The only proof of your existence, will be my scars.
Lets face it, nothing about you was true.
Hope someone can make you feel the same when you look at the stars.

The Beginning of the End
By Alexa Rodríguez

It's so cold in here.
So cold and nowhere to find warmth.
It's dark. I can feel chills down my spine.
The thoughts of you haunt me.
Day and night. Night and day.
I feel nothing. I'm numb. I'm lost. I scream and no one can hear me.
I rather feel pain than nothing at all.
There's nothing there. You have ripped out my heart and soul.
My eyes are now empty.
I see everything and I see nothing.
I hurt everywhere and feel nothing.
How did I let it get this far?
I meant to be in the dark forever?
You've hurt me so bad and taught me so much pain.
All I can do is hurt everyone else. Make them feel just an ounce of what I do.
Do I care? No. I'm empty. Things happen for a reason.
Isn't that your words? I laugh at them now.
Karma. Do you know the meaning of the word?
It haunts. It hurts. Do I deserve it? We all do.
At some moment of our lives, we have let go of all our ambitions.
Got lost in a moment of passion filled with desire and lacking love and reasoning.
Lacking judgment and self control.
Driven by ecstasy.
Do you regret it? I don't. It's our human nature to hurt.
You made a sport out of it.
Am I making sense? I lost track of time and my thoughts are mixing together.
Draining my brain and my mind through these words.
Doesn't it kill you to know you fucked up?
Doesn't kill you to know you waste our time?
Do you even care that you fucked me over and killed the part of me I once told you, you rescued.
No. You probably don't. So here I am. Bleeding for you. Burning inside for you.
Are you sleeping ok?

Do thoughts of me run through your head? LMAO, you can't sleep?
I no longer need sleep. Welcome to The Beginning of The End.

© 2007 Alexa Rodríguez

Insane
By Alexa Rodríguez

I feel lost between a dream and what's real.

Between what is and what seems.

The pain won't let me deal.

What do I do with these tears?

I blame myself for a lot of things.

But there is no way around it, today the blame is on you.

Who knows, let's see what the future brings.

Is there even a future?

God, give me some peace.

Let these wounds heal.

Bring me back, I'm nowhere near.

Something inside me is missing.

The walls are closing in.

I feel so insecure.

It's crawling in my skin.

Confusing what is real.

I stand and look at my reflection.

I see you. I don't recognize what you left behind.

Lost under the surface.

Familiar Eyes
By Alexa Rodríguez

Now empty.

Full of confusion.

In need of passion.

In need of guidance.

Green Hazel eyes.

I remember them full of live.

I remember when they always found their way to me.

I remember them penetrating my soul.

I remember them longing my touch.

Green Hazel eyes.

Now full of lies.

Thirsty.

Agonizing.

Screaming for help.

Green Hazel eyes.

I can no longer save them.

I rub my eyes and see the bigger image.

Where is she? That girl who’s eyes captured me once.

Who are you? What have you done?

Green Hazel eyes.

My Disguise

What do you see on the surface?
Is my smile wide enough for you?
Do you consider me selfless?
Do you think I can handle the truth?

Can you see my pain folks?
Would you treat me different If I told you I cry?
Can you see me hiding behind jokes?
If I pushed you away, would you still try?

Feeling extremely restless.
No clue when to stay or go.
Everything seems so senseless
I wonder if anyone truly knows.

Now that you have seen threw my disguise.
Will you run and tell the world how I really feel?
Or will you tell how I see things threw your eyes.
Tell them lies about me pretending you know the deal.

Behind The Mask

Behind the mask,
lies an empty face.
Behind the mask
lies a confused, lost and impatient being.
Behind the mask,
lies the opposite I choose to show you.
Behind the mask, I'm scared.
Scared to be alone.
Scared to be me.
Scared to find myself.
Afraid of everything I've become.
Afraid of everything I might be destined to be.
Afraid of the mask coming off.
Afraid to let anyone in again.
Afraid of pain.
Afraid of my own emotions.
Afraid of other's emotions.
Behind the mask,
lies nothing but fear.
Fear of the one wearing the mask... Me.

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